The Omnivorous Fish

Breakfast Radishes

Many years ago- for a very brief time- I lived in the San Joaquin Valley, near the foothills, among thousands of acres of peaches and plums. We had all sorts of flora and fauna there, not the least terrifying of which were black widow spiders. ”Oh, just don’t bother them,” my ex told me confidently, as if I were about to cover my wrists with pig’s blood and run into the webs.

Well, I killed a pretty sizable spider a casa the other day, not a black widow, but gray, hairy and with discernable incisors.

So, I guess what I’m saying is, we have spiders.

More interestingly from a gastronomic standpoint, though, we also have snails. Neither I nor my neighbor use any sort of chemicals in our gardens, so they’re presumably safe to eat. I even cleaned fresh snails once, a million years ago. You put them in a bowl and cover them with cornmeal so they purge whatever they’ve got in them, and after a while you boil them, then drag them out of the shells with a pin. I’m sure there’s more to it than I remember, but i’ll find that out.

On the flight here (we’re broadcasting from the East Coast today), there was one of those Jet Blue NY Times Presents things, which sometimes are interesting and sometimes a total bust. On this trip, it was a fascinating panel discussion between Dan Barber, Rick Schneider- CEO of SYSCO, Nina Planck and someone else who has slipped my mind; moderated by former NY Times food critic Amanda Hesser (who, regardless of how I may feel about her, did an ok job).

I’ve been thinking about doing a podcast. Any thoughts?

Headed back to New York tomorrow.

Oh jeez.

Maybe I’ll go to Wallse!

Do I sound excited?

Well, here I am, in Nashville, TN.

I’ve had a decent meal and two decidedly mediocre ones, though lunch today seems promising. As always, keep the suggestions coming. There are 2 starbucks, but not nearly enough. It’s funny how much I hated them when they first appeared in New York, and now they’re the only consistent symbol of civilization I can name in the country.

So far, I can tell you that if you’re stranded in downtown Nashville, Merchant’s is a safe bet. And, somehow, there are NO cute boys hanging around the American Apparel, which makes me wonder: if there is an American Apparel, and there are no hot guys in it, is it still there?

Happy Halloween, by the way! I used to give great spooky-themed dinner parties on halloween. We’d make pumpkin soup and carve Jack O Lanterns and I’d make some weird cookie, like the typically moribund ossi dei morti, the bones of the dead. It’s a crunchy meringue cookie that’s bound with almond flour and partly dipped in chocolate. It looks like a dried bone. Sicilian people are crazy, but the cookies are great.

Hope you’re having a good Holiday.

San Rafael Swell

In 1893, an English teacher named Katharine Lee Bates went to Colorado by train and was so overwhelmed by what she saw, she came down from the mountains and wrote the poem that would go on to become America the Beautiful. All I can say is it’s a good thing she didn’t make it to Utah, because her head would have exploded.

It’s over. 3 days, 2800 miles and- I’m happy to say- only 4 advil. Here’s a little chart of what got eaten by mileage. This was supplemented by Crunchy Peanut Butter Clif Bars and the old trucker standby, sunflower seeds. Sunflower seeds? Yup, they’re sort of neutral, interesting to chew, and when you’re body is digesting, you’re more alert. So, when you’re getting a little hazy on the road, munch on something with a lot of fiber in it. It’s better for you than coffee from a truck stop.

I know you’re all going to die when you see what I ate, but I challenge you to drive from New York to LA in three days and find something decent to eat that you haven’t brought with you. I don’t know what the final odometer reading was, but I’ll post it when I go out to the car.

Thanks for all the phone calls and text messages along the way. They really helped. Special thanks, also, to Jim Dale, for reading the 2nd and 3rd Harry Potter books to me. Have a good Middle Management Barbecue Day!

South Orange, NJ 0 Oatmeal Cookies
Lamar, PA 194 Hot dog with kraut and hot peppers
Broadview Hights, OH 432 Panera Chicken Sandwich
Elkhart, IN Starbucks Latte and brownie
Geneseo, IL 895
Walnut, IA 1174 McDonalds hamburger
Lexington, NE 1437 Arby’s roast beef
Wiggins, CO 1690 Banana
Aspen, CO 1912
Salina, UT
Washington, UT 2378 Wendy’s chicken sandwich
Yermoca, NV 2638

rte66

As I mentioned before, I’m moving to Long Beach. Well, guess who’s going to need a car in LA. Tomorrow morning, before most of you are awake, I’m getting in the old truck and heading out to the wild blue yonder, solo. In a perfect world, this trip would take weeks, and meander around every ham hock, watermelon slice, hot dog and pie in the lower 48, but I’m taking the express route: NY, NJ, PA, OH, IN, IL, IA, NE, CO, UT, NV, CA (I’m proud of myself, I only had to look up Iowa). Four days, three if I get nuts, with a fifth day built in to the schedule just in case.

This time next week, KCRW and KPCC will be begging for my money, and WNYC will be a distant memory, however fond.

You haven’t heard much from me due to psychotic renovation so I could sell the place in New York. For those of you who’ve seen the Before, here’s the after:

foyer1foyer2livmission control

I’m in beautiful Winchester, VA, home of… well, home of something I’m sure. Right now it’s the home of my oldest friend, and I’m visiting. He’s embracing the simple life, so I’m posting this from enemy territory.

We’re headed to the local shops to pick up some homey touches for his new place and some makings of a meal or two. More on that later.

I know the area produces lots of grapes, peaches, apples and- like all of America- corn. Let’s see what we see.

Well, I still haven’t uploaded any ravioli pictures, because I haven’t been seated at the computer long enough to do so (except when busy doing the payroll). Sunday evening the Agent and I leave for our brief junket to the Finger Lakes wine country, where we will sip some of the finest white wines and enjoyable red wines in the world. Yeah, I said it, the world. After a brief stay, we head to Cincinnati to staff his mother’s kitchen for the preparation of Thanksgiving dinner for thirty three people. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a 28 pound dressed turkey, but I will next week. Wow.

Last year we went out earlier, and in addition to helping out, we cooked dinner the days leading up to the main event. This kept me in the kitchen almost the entire trip (until the panic attack that left me immobile Thursday night) but it was actually great, since it centered our activities. I like when everything happens in the kitchen.

I haven’t dropped off the face of the planet, but the most memorable thing I’ve eaten since the last post was a Twix during the load out in Knoxville. I had a mediocre hot dog from Hot Dog King in Greenville for lunch, and I was disappointed; I remember it being much better the last time I was here. I’m going to Outback for dinner if that gives you any indication… Hopefully starting tomorrow we will hit some local places, and we have kitchens at the hotel here, so I might cook for the guys one night. I bought an eight-ball squash at the local store. I’ve never even heard of it before, so naturally I bought one.

Oh, and just in case anyone was curious, PF Chang’s still sucks.

I have eaten more processed food in the last 96 hours than I have in the last five years. God have mercy on my colon.

So it begins. A hamburger from Friday’s at the airport and iced tea out of a box. I guess it beats soda, although at least soda is soda, not some ersatz soda trying to be something it’s not. Maybe next time I’ll have coke… except Saturday I had a root beer with the Agent at the tamale place. That would violate my once-a-year rule for soda consumption. Oh well.

I leave for Knoxville, TN in about 3 hours. I saw the Agent off to work this morning and we had breakfast. You know where we had breakfast? Norma’s in the Parker Meridien? No. Balthazar for a bowl of Latté? Come on. Murray’s for bagels, maybe? Forget it. We went to the diner. We went to a mediocre diner, at that. The closest diner to our apartment, even. Why, you might ask. Why, when the Agent doesn’t go to the office until ten and money is more less no object for our last meal together for two months? Why?

In a word: speed. The Agent got bacon, egg and cheddar on a roll, and I got two scrambled with bacon and rye toast. It took about 3 minutes to come out. I got my free thimble of terrible (navel) orange juice and before I got my second cup of coffee, the check was on the table, with a gravelly “thanks, hon” and a crooked expression of the mouth that might have been a smile. It was $10. This is the last meal I will have like this until I am back north of the Mason-Dixon. Alas. There is no iced tea like there is in the south, and the quick breads they make there are what make quick breads worthwhile, but for Christ’s sake, it takes them eight minutes to make a three-minute egg.

Such is life. I’ll probably come back with colon cancer, but I’ll try to make the best of it.